Visionaries: Episode 7, Lane Changes by Susan Gray

While e-mailing with a friend, the phrase “stay in your lane” came up as a goal for the year.  The image this evoked was one of people moving down a highway, attempting to not get in anyone else’s way.

But, a highway has more than one lane.  There is a passing lane and a breakdown lane in addition to the driving lane.  Kind of like life-we are all moving along at our normal pace until life happens, and then we need to move into another lane to get around an obstacle, or park in the breakdown lane to, well, break down…

As a peer group facilitator for both people with vision loss and family members having loved ones with mental illness, I’ve witnessed a lot of break downs.  You might ask, what can be done to help someone suffering with something they have no control over?  This is where the “stay in your lane” part comes in.  Recognizing that you cannot fix these issues needs to be understood.  The key to any good peer support group is the emphasis on the group as a whole.  None of us are equipped to repair vision or mental illness.  What we can offer is support and understanding. 

No one in the group is exactly in the same place as anyone else, so there are peers ahead of you on the journey, and some behind you.  The intention is to partner with one another, sharing knowledge through lived experience. Within these groups, people form friendships and share confidences they wouldn’t share with family or friends that are not struggling with these issues.  The groups are a rest stop of sorts; a place to drop your guard and share without having to explain why you are feeling the way you are.  Everyone gets it, because everyone is on a similar journey.

One of the messages people most need to hear is that they are strong enough to cope with these issues.  The powerlessness that comes from not being able to change our circumstances can be balanced by acceptance and self care.  While we are helpless to change the circumstance, we are not helpless in making our lives stronger and more positive. Taking good care of ourselves on the journey includes the physical, spiritual and emotional aspects of care.  If we aren’t eating or sleeping well, experiencing uplifting messages or believing in something greater than ourselves, we won’t benefit from the strength that comes from all of it.  And, if you are relying only on you, you won’t get very far.

While striving to stay in our lane, we need to also ensure that we are not being obstacles to others on their journeys.  One of the better relationship tips suggests that everyone has a burden, and we should not add to it.  Whether it comes in the form of unsolicited advice or  actions, however well meaning, it will not be appreciated if it hasn’t been asked for.  We learn as parents that a natural shift from parenting to partnering comes in when our kids are of an age to care for themselves.  This transition is much harder for the parents, but not imposing our opinions on our kids leads to much better relationships with them.  We are no longer obstacles to their independence, and are showing them respect for their personhood. 

The same holds true for our friends and peers.  Being mindful that most of the time, they just need us to listen and not try to fix the problem, we can help ease their burden. We’ve all experienced that friend or family member that jumps in and tells us what we should do to fix the problem.  Most of the time, those opinions don’t resonate with our feelings, and can end up driving a wedge between the person telling us what to do and ourselves.  We are already burdened by the problem, and now it has been compounded by a well meaning friend.

Vision loss, or any illness that is not in our control, can be very frustrating.  It leads at times to angry outbursts, impatience and sullen moods.  During these times, it is better to be met with grace and understanding, rather than a “snap out of it” response. Taking a breath and asking ourselves what the response is we would want to be met with during these times may help us not exacerbate the situation.        

So, while we can’t one hundred percent of the time stay in our lane, perhaps we can minimize our time in the breakdown lane by making sure we maintain ourselves and our peers with care and support. 

Thanks to Maggie, for the wisdom and self-awareness in navigating the roads of life…